Undercover Brother

The Scorpio lunar eclipse was this weekend. I was thinking a lot about a trip I took to Cuba, and came across this amazing scene from Miami Vice (the movie version). There is a slow burning inferno of romantic tension where Sonny and Isabella (an undercover detective and a cartel’s second in command) take off on a secret speed boat ride to Havana for mojitos. You don’t just see natural chemistry, you feel the magnetism grow and ignite between them. It's a classic love affair that everyone dreams of experiencing at least once in their lifetime. 

After watching this clip a few times, I had a deep revelation. I realized that the weird sucking feeling from my stomach was something called little brother syndrome. Essentially you were super sheltered as a kid, and by removing all the tension from your earlier life, you end up feeling emasculated when you grow up. The result is that you didn’t develop a strong sense of self because you never learned how to stand up for yourself. When you do grow up, that tension grows into a physiological response usually manifesting as some kind of anxiety. 

In my pursuit to avoid tension at all costs, when I did end up landing into a long term relationship, it felt like being in deep cover working for the government. Secrets, lies, intrigue - and lots of obsessive behavior. There are so many examples, they necessitate separate essays. One wanted to physically kill me. Another, almost inadvertently killed me by neglecting to inform me of her HIV status. The third, probably would have almost killed me (albeit unintentionally). I think she works for a three letter governmental agency, at least that’s what I understood from the coded chats. We called it Mordor.

Tension requires attention, and when I did receive attention, I usually associated it with “not good enough.” I remember learning that practice doesn’t make perfect, only perfect practice makes perfect. All these lessons trained me to evaporate and evade reality. I became a PhD in stealth as a teenager. This may be partly genetic however, as my grandmother escaped her restraints in a flight of obstinate rage during her later moments of Alzheimer’s. My grandfather referred to her as the Irish Houdini. 

I’m in the process of unlearning the pattern of not being good enough, and constantly defaulting to putting myself into the shadows. In order to embrace attention, I’m learning to flow with it. Attention requires engagement. That is the new mission. It suddenly became clear why I was terrible at selling myself, but phenomenal at selling others. 

My first reaction with any tense situation was to automatically do whatever it took to dissolve it like a rogue kitchen fire. I became a great problem solver, but a floundering flirt. All my responses resulted in nervous stuttering fervor. 

Embracing tension is what builds romance and intrigue in relationships. It’s the stuff that magnetism and charisma are made of. Dayna Lynn Nuckolls puts it best:

“Lover energy is about power the power of desiring + being desired. It's about seduction. It's about the subtleties of communication, both verbal and non verbal.” 

I struggled with dating, and never felt 100% like a man. I was that consummate little brother in all my relationships. For the longest time I was so confused, I thought maybe I was gay. But that didn’t make sense… I didn’t want to gobble cock. At the same time, I had severe social anxiety in all my interactions, including men. Awkward and out of place no matter where I went. My spirit felt porous.

Reflecting back, I subconsciously put myself in situations of extreme tension, only to finally confront what was missing from the beginning. A true understanding of my core identity. It took a while, but now that I was able to label this amorphous loop - I could finally release it.

This weekend has been an intense yet rewarding catharsis for my spirit. I will always be the youngest, but I’m no longer that little brother secretly cowering in fear afraid to be in the world. My old self molted off with this eclipse. With a little bit of time and consistency, I’m learning to properly channel my energy into a new way of being and honestly expressing myself. Now when I feel that weird plunging sensation just above my stomach, I know that’s an opportunity to get closer to my true self.